Apple π

Key: italics = Captain Jitterbug; plain text = The Deputy

So Captain, tell me, what ever could be the reasoning behind you finally giving away your signature "World's Greatest Dad" tee shirt now, of all times, Christmas in July? I've always been proud of the way that they've never acted up or complained, but it's only now that I realize that is because they are soulless inanimate objects. You refer to your children here? Obviously. What other inanimate objects might I refer to? I 'unno, you seem to speak highly of your well-trained Fraggle Rock LaserDisc collection. Yes, Marjorie the Trash Heap had lessons for us all. Like how to accept the fact that you're nothing more than literal piles of garbage and at the same time give useful knowledge to subterranean Muppets on a seemingly perpetual basis. That, and the value of communism. To me, that trash heap was Karl Marx made of banana peels.  Of Course I do tend to have different interpretations than most people. No, no. I've always suspected Marxists of being biodegradable. For instance, why do you think Trotsky chose Mexico City, of all Central American cities (Guatemala City, for example, is gorgeous.), as a vista to get himself ice-picked to death in front of? The banana industry told him to do so, that's why. Yep, that Chiquita lady sure knows how to flex her muscle. Oh really, I always thought it to be the music. To me, nothing says Bolshevik like some good ol' fashioned flamenco <Captain Jitterbug begins to sway and hum disturbingly>. 

Well I'm not hear to nay say the ethno-vibes of Latin America, but where has Richard Martin (alias: Ricky from Manudo) been all these recent years? Oy, whatever.  You want I should know everything? <Captain Jitterbug sighs> I've always regretted that there is no orthographic means of indicating an outrageous Yiddish accent. Orthographic? Now what would my 6,000-year-old culture have to do with braces? You some sorta' sick anti-semite-dentite? No, but dentists do frighten me; going into your mouth with all those shiny, sharp probes and hooks. They're S & M freaks that never matured past the oral stage. Somehow psychoanalytical stages of mental evolution seems frivolous at a time of war, don't you? I mean, 9-11 just happened a year and a half ago. We Americans must stand united on all fronts, Freudian included.  Actually Freudian theories have been categorized as behind the modern psychological front. I don’t know what the modern psychological front is exactly, but I'd assume it to be something depressing that causes you to blame your mother for everything. Or that might just be me trying to justify myself.  Well, justice is blind.  I almost wish it were mute as well.  That way my lawyer would stop nagging me about the supposed illegality of my tax returns every year.  Well, tax fraud is illegal.  <damn fascist bastards>  Heil IRS!  Get your arm down from that 45-degree angle and make me some corn on the cob.  <Captain Jitterbug sits, his eyes paralyzed by confusion and botox>  <"I hate bow ties"> This has absolutely nothing to do with eveningwear.  But my tuxedos are usually a bit heavy on the starch.  Tuxedos?  Starch?  What does this have to do with potato loving penguins?  Not much really.  But did I ever mention that I'd like to become wealthy and found a socialist utopia on the Antarctic Peninsula?  Yes.  Twice already today.  Once during that CHiPS commercial, and again that next time the CHiPS commercial aired.  In my mind Eric Estrada and my quixotic dreams for the future are inextricably linked.

Apple π

Key: italics = Captain Jitterbug; plain text = The Deputy

<Deputy waltzes into room, adorned in traditional Benin royal attire> Benin royal robes, eh? Odd, I could’ve sworn today was Ethiopia day. Just look at me, a beautiful Nubian warrior, and for what?  The priceless smile on my face? Actually I talked to some guys at Sotheby’s; the smile on your face has been valued at roughly forty thousand dollars. Now, while you translate that into francs, I’m going to get some tea, some Earl Grey, no less.  Earl Grey, huh? I think I saw him in a dream somewhere… Hudson Bay I believe.  Wonderful dream it was – nothing but walruses and lollipop tractors.  Well he has been touring with the Rolling Stones, so I can see that.  Jagger’s seen better - but not funnier- days.  I’ll have to agree – you’ll remember that concert of theirs we went to in March, wont you?  March? I thought March was Creed – but that doesn’t make sense.  I hate Creed.  So, theoretically, I could have seen the Rolling Stones and then looked at a picture of Scott Shapp’s decayed Billy Ray Cyrus clone face, and been so traumatized that I imagined them in place of the Stones, and that’s where babies come from.  Yes.  I was going to ask you about that stork flying overhead – I forgot about it when they went into “Honky-tonk Blues” though. 

I’m always glad to explain the birds and the bees – no really, the birds and the bees.  Don’t touch the sex subject; it’s frightening like a wet shag carpet.  But when it comes to birds and bees, ask me any question under the stars. Why are Polar bears used in Coca-Cola commercials when the soda would obviously freeze in the extreme climates shown?  Well, it works because during the filming, they used the cult favorite (no really, cults love it) Vodka Coke, a short-lived phenomenon that was later banished to Siberia with New Coke and Crystal Clear Pepsi Cola.  I remember that shit – and I mean shit.  Yes, no soda company is been so fundamentally misconceived and misguided as Pepsi. Pepsi, as ignorant and backwards thinking as a Klan rally with none of the interesting flavor.  Flavor? Then the hoods really are vanilla!  Absolutely.  The founder of the KKK was also the founder of the Fruit Roll-Ups Company.  But his more contemporary products don’t have the same cloth-like quality.  Oh I beg to differ! <The Deputy then takes off his West African get-up and begins to lick it “all over”> I’m assuming you’re implying that your costume is made of fruit roll-ups.  Yes dear ready, I do think you’re that stupid.   Quickly now Deputy, cease your unsavory savoring of your outrageous garb and issue a rejoinder.

 That reminds me.  Did you know Nick Nolte is going to be in “The Hulk”?  I know.  I’m already scheduled to give the eulogy for his career, it should be as much fun as the one I did for Burt Reynolds, but not as much fun as the one for Ron Jeremy will be.  Wasn’t that 10 years ago?  I don’t think so.  But my memory of events before 1998 was erased by a time-traveling French cyborg from the fifteenth century…of the universe that is to come.  And on that…  Okay, fine, I’m going to drink my tea and play croquet with French ambassador to the U.N. Dominique de Villepin; I could use some sensible conversation.  Oh dear, it’s gotten to the point that I consider Dominique de Villepin sensible.  And did anyone else notice that the Deputy has started using dashes instead of my less exiting, but more mellifluous commas?  Vishnu helps us if he’s starting to channel F. Scott Fitzgerald.  I suppose this is the end of things for the Deputy and me, but perhaps we’ll again find the chance, the dream to write another Apple pi, but for now, we beat on, boats against the current, born back ceaselessly into the past.